As I lay my head to bed I often relay a message “another day without you Jack, another day”. And now it’s 4 years. “4 years without you, how did I get here?”
As I wake, sit and watch the sunrise… just about the exact moment you decided to take your last breath, I am reminded each day is yes one more day further into life without you but it’s also one more day further into getting to meet up with you again.
Grief is so interesting and messy. Everything tangled and braided and interwoven and webbed together. The love and the pain, the anger and joy, the shame and pride, the guilt and the honor. All of it. And again time. Time is mixed between another year, day, moment without you but also another year, day, moment closer to being with you.
So just like when I feel happiness and joy in my live I simultaneously experience you are missing. It’s always there. Joy and emptiness. Coexisting.
So on this anniversary I feel another year further away from you, yet another year closer to you. Sadness to joy. Pain to love. Grief, a constant mix of emotions.
Grief is a world where I live inside the braided emotion of love—love always there, with other feelings woven through it.
Today, I hate that I am writing from a place of longing for my son, four years after he’s gone. And yet, I love that I am learning how to miss you, carry you, and to share this grief, and to feel you in the love that remains.
4 years later, 4 years closer
Sunrise and Sunset ~
💞
Me
Here's Jack! 
So well written Jamie, mom, best friend. I am watching the sun come up but my heart is heavy. I recall and remember that wonderful week I spent with you, mom, and sis. We laughed at all your favorite shows, held hands and got lots of kisses. I loved those kisses and miss them. Papa and I talk about you and to you often. You are always with us and someday we will see you again. That makes me smile so until we meet again we will continue to love you and talk to you and miss you ! Your DeeDee and PaPa
Unbelievably beautiful and heart wrenching, Jamie. I’m always so humbled by and grateful for you sharing your thoughts on grief and to take some time to think of sweet Jack. Here’s to one day closer to Jack while finding ways to ride the waves of grief and simultaneously feeling joy along the way. Master class, my friend. Sending you love and a bit uncomfortable virtual hug. ❤️🫂❤️
Jen Agan