Love’s Grief

The paradox of life is the that the closer we get to the light, the closer we get to darkness.

When carrying the weight of a medically involved, dying child there are many moments of darkness that often shadow the light.  In fact, on a daily basis, regardless of my masked smile I am hurting with a burden of pain that is just waiting to erupt.  But through my faith and spiritual guidance I am coached to pray, breathe through the darkness and eventually ‘let it go’.  Or maybe a certain Disney movie trained me.? (insert Frozen theme song that still exists in my home).  Well, either one my journey has taught myself that I must always work on finding the light, even in many dark moments. Even in the darkest of moments. Let go of the darkness and allow the light to enter.  Can it be that easy?  Nah, not really, its always a work in progress.

Today, January 21st, is what I refer to as D Day.  And this year marks 6 years since D Day entered my life.  D day, or Diagnosis Day was by far one of my darkest moments.  In fact, weeks after Jan. 21st 2009 I was unsure if there would ever be light again.  But there was.  As this day appears or sometimes creeps up on me, my entire being gets sucks into the darkness.  And I breathe and breathe but instead of letting go, I now allow the darkness to take over.  I can’t let it go, and I am not sure if I want to and I am not sure if I will ever be able to let this date go.?  Today is a time where I give myself permission to endure the great sadness of what occurred that Wednesday afternoon 6 years ago and to honor what I have embarked on thereafter.  This includes submerging myself into great sorrow, anger, anxiety, emptiness, and many other emotions that are and have been attached to the day, to that the single moment of truth.  Now who in their right mind would ever want to take on those emotions/feelings/thoughts?  I do, its my expression of the loss I had that D day, and most importantly it is an expression of the love that I have for my son.  The depths of my sadness, anxiousness, pain, anguish, etc… is simply just a measure of how much I love Jack.  Its the love I have, I carry and I hold for only Jack.  And at certain times my heart just can’t hold all that love in,  I just can’t hide it anymore or hold it back or smash it down, and so it surfaces.  In the form of grief.

Todays trigger (D Day) is my time to share my love through my grief.

hearts

 

 

3 thoughts on “Love’s Grief

  1. You don’t have to share your grief alone. We who pray and follow have come to love Jack and your family. I remember when I first heard of Jack’s diagnosis. I was out with my camera and Jack’s grandpa. It touched my heart then and it still does. Fact is, it always will. Prayers for your day. Salt water is healing. Just something you learn in life’s journey. Love prayers and tears shared with you today.

  2. My dear Jamie, I am so grateful for your fully honest expression of the emotions you have on such a difficult day. I am grateful for the chance to understand more…your words help that so much. Know that your light continues to burn, as does Jack’s, and I am so much better off having been able to be with both this weekend. Thank you for continuing to write. And I love you.

  3. Today is the first day that I have learned of Jack and your journey as a family. After reading several stories on your blog (or bloggings? this is new for me) I am a new prayer warrior for Jack and all of you. As a school nurse, I am refreshed by your strong spirit of a lioness mother and that as school personnel, we are privileged to work with and be a part of a medically fragile child’s life and family. I loved the column above about Love’s grief and the pure honesty of it. I read it over several times so that in every child we serve, I see your words and Jack’s face to remind me to pause and pray for more research, more funding for those rare diseases that we don’t know or hear about often enough. Today, I hope you can feel the energy that comes from people praying for you (and of course, Jack, his sister, his father) even when you don’t know it yet. I will share Jack’s story.

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