The paradox of life is the that the closer we get to the light, the closer we get to darkness.
When carrying the weight of a medically involved, dying child there are many moments of darkness that often shadow the light. In fact, on a daily basis, regardless of my masked smile I am hurting with a burden of pain that is just waiting to erupt. But through my faith and spiritual guidance I am coached to pray, breathe through the darkness and eventually ‘let it go’. Or maybe a certain Disney movie trained me.? (insert Frozen theme song that still exists in my home). Well, either one my journey has taught myself that I must always work on finding the light, even in many dark moments. Even in the darkest of moments. Let go of the darkness and allow the light to enter. Can it be that easy? Nah, not really, its always a work in progress.
Today, January 21st, is what I refer to as D Day. And this year marks 6 years since D Day entered my life. D day, or Diagnosis Day was by far one of my darkest moments. In fact, weeks after Jan. 21st 2009 I was unsure if there would ever be light again. But there was. As this day appears or sometimes creeps up on me, my entire being gets sucks into the darkness. And I breathe and breathe but instead of letting go, I now allow the darkness to take over. I can’t let it go, and I am not sure if I want to and I am not sure if I will ever be able to let this date go.? Today is a time where I give myself permission to endure the great sadness of what occurred that Wednesday afternoon 6 years ago and to honor what I have embarked on thereafter. This includes submerging myself into great sorrow, anger, anxiety, emptiness, and many other emotions that are and have been attached to the day, to that the single moment of truth. Now who in their right mind would ever want to take on those emotions/feelings/thoughts? I do, its my expression of the loss I had that D day, and most importantly it is an expression of the love that I have for my son. The depths of my sadness, anxiousness, pain, anguish, etc… is simply just a measure of how much I love Jack. Its the love I have, I carry and I hold for only Jack. And at certain times my heart just can’t hold all that love in, I just can’t hide it anymore or hold it back or smash it down, and so it surfaces. In the form of grief.
Todays trigger (D Day) is my time to share my love through my grief.